There was once a bubbly young girl appeared in my life. She is great in whatever she dabble in especially her studies. As usual, such character is the apple in teachers’ eyes. But, everything is double-edged sword. Indirectly, she became poison in student’s eyes. Envy had engulfed our compassion. The things that the green-eye monster did are beyond comprehension. What a fool I am to be controlled by it.
Just like what white blood cell does when a foreign object enters into our body, we isolated her or even worse, trying to destroy. We used every means to hurt her, whether ignore or picked on her. But she is super “blur” that she never notice. Only after her demise, I realized, maybe she does notice, but to make life easier, she pretended nothing happened. What never kills her, makes her stronger. In those days, I am the insensitive and ignorant one. When I briefly went to work, I finally understand how hard trying to mix in.
But for someone as proud as me, apology never comes easy. I only sit quietly at a corner, hoping things will blow off someday, somehow. But, it is all too late.
On the fateful day (4 of March 2006), I have received a really bad news. All of a sudden, my mind went blank. A day before, someone, who I used to consider not very close, have gone to a better world to meet her maker. Even when I haven’t truly digested the news, tears had formed in my eyes. I am in self-deny. At her funeral, I never say goodbye. I just weren’t strong enough to accept she is gone. Back then, how I wish I could turn back the time.
From time to time, everything she used to do, keep on playing in my mind. How I had make fun of her, how I had hurt her and how she only used her smiles in respond. As a matter of fact, I wonder, is she truly innocent or plain silly? Once again, waves of tears keep on forming in my eyes. Whether it is tears of guilt or tears of sadness, I will never know.
No matter how much tears I shed, it will not bring her back. All I could do is to continue her legacy of kindness and joy. I will live my life to its fullest so that when there comes a time when we meet again, when I too have the privilege to left this world, I will tell her stories of my life. I know she will be happy for me. She always does. She is just like some stars we see in the sky die millions of years ago, and yet we still see their light today. Her spirit will shine on. The pain will diminish but not the light.
I am a great pretender. I was always caught in a lie, which I stubbornly deny. She is good even when nobody is looking, that’s integrity. She will not let the fear of being wrong keeps her from ever doing right. I guess, telling the truth is always easier. So it is perfect for a lazy bone like her. She hides nothing. She believes in “Trouble is part of our life. If we don’t share it, we didn’t give others a chance to love us enough.”
On the day after Valentine’s Day, I received a message about being happy from my dear friend. I brush it of my mind, as it doesn’t seem to be any special then. It's just a forwarded message. But now, how I treasure and cherish the one and only message left from her. I am ashamed of myself of not having her in my mind when she is alive. How I realise that she insist to meet up during her last visit back to our beloved hometown, yet, I said next time. Now, I truly understand that we tend to take things for granted until we’re about or already losing it.
Prior to that, I had read about a quote, “Strangers could hurt us, but the hurt is superficial and passing, but when we love someone dearly, we surrender to the other the ability to hurt us.” But little that I know, someone I thought I ain’t close to, could make me cry that hard. Oddly, just when did she silently crawl into my heart?
Or perhaps, it shows that, I am a human after all?
Just like what white blood cell does when a foreign object enters into our body, we isolated her or even worse, trying to destroy. We used every means to hurt her, whether ignore or picked on her. But she is super “blur” that she never notice. Only after her demise, I realized, maybe she does notice, but to make life easier, she pretended nothing happened. What never kills her, makes her stronger. In those days, I am the insensitive and ignorant one. When I briefly went to work, I finally understand how hard trying to mix in.
But for someone as proud as me, apology never comes easy. I only sit quietly at a corner, hoping things will blow off someday, somehow. But, it is all too late.
On the fateful day (4 of March 2006), I have received a really bad news. All of a sudden, my mind went blank. A day before, someone, who I used to consider not very close, have gone to a better world to meet her maker. Even when I haven’t truly digested the news, tears had formed in my eyes. I am in self-deny. At her funeral, I never say goodbye. I just weren’t strong enough to accept she is gone. Back then, how I wish I could turn back the time.
From time to time, everything she used to do, keep on playing in my mind. How I had make fun of her, how I had hurt her and how she only used her smiles in respond. As a matter of fact, I wonder, is she truly innocent or plain silly? Once again, waves of tears keep on forming in my eyes. Whether it is tears of guilt or tears of sadness, I will never know.
No matter how much tears I shed, it will not bring her back. All I could do is to continue her legacy of kindness and joy. I will live my life to its fullest so that when there comes a time when we meet again, when I too have the privilege to left this world, I will tell her stories of my life. I know she will be happy for me. She always does. She is just like some stars we see in the sky die millions of years ago, and yet we still see their light today. Her spirit will shine on. The pain will diminish but not the light.
I am a great pretender. I was always caught in a lie, which I stubbornly deny. She is good even when nobody is looking, that’s integrity. She will not let the fear of being wrong keeps her from ever doing right. I guess, telling the truth is always easier. So it is perfect for a lazy bone like her. She hides nothing. She believes in “Trouble is part of our life. If we don’t share it, we didn’t give others a chance to love us enough.”
On the day after Valentine’s Day, I received a message about being happy from my dear friend. I brush it of my mind, as it doesn’t seem to be any special then. It's just a forwarded message. But now, how I treasure and cherish the one and only message left from her. I am ashamed of myself of not having her in my mind when she is alive. How I realise that she insist to meet up during her last visit back to our beloved hometown, yet, I said next time. Now, I truly understand that we tend to take things for granted until we’re about or already losing it.
Prior to that, I had read about a quote, “Strangers could hurt us, but the hurt is superficial and passing, but when we love someone dearly, we surrender to the other the ability to hurt us.” But little that I know, someone I thought I ain’t close to, could make me cry that hard. Oddly, just when did she silently crawl into my heart?
Or perhaps, it shows that, I am a human after all?
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