When I received the news that a friend had left this world, my world went topsy-turvy. My first thought was, “Oh gosh, you are joking, right?” Even though my heart knew the answer, my brain is stubbornly denying the thought. How I wish that it was a joke.
An accident claimed her life. She doesn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
Time passed and she is cremated. But I am still in shock. Images of my friends and families dying flashed in my mind. I have become a budding ‘final destination’ producer. Maybe it is a way of protecting myself from being caught unaware again. Numbing my feeling works at first, but guilt and fear is soon wearing out my heart and mind.
Few months have passed, tears had dried. Tears had cleanses up my soul. My blurry eyes, blinded by the dust of materialistic world are once clear. God is rewarding her by bringing her to a better world. She had spread kindness and awareness to me and others. The biggest reflection that I got is never take anything for granted ever again. We may be young, we may afford to make mistake but certain things will never be the same again. Anything could be gone in the blink of eyes.
A bully as I am, I do felt deep sadness inside me. Maybe guilt is another cause of my sadness. Tried in all my life to gain attention, however without the X-factor, I had only two choices. One, be the bad guy. Two, be an unknown. Regretfully, I had chosen the former. It has become an addiction to bully someone as the withdrawal symptoms are too much for me. I can’t erase the surprise look of my friend and foe alike. To protect and enhance my reputation, there is no turning back. Any weakness is chained deep inside my heart. Those who tried to peep, will receive my medusa’s stare.
Now, the lock is rusted by my tears, and now, my inner world is exposed. I had gained another reputation of being sensitive. Well, I guess there is a third choice after all. As dust settles, I do not want my emotion to be filled up only by guilt. However, little mischief hasn’t stopped, not yet anyway. I guess old habits die hard.
I wasn’t someone who is generous with praise. Wasn’t thought that counts? In reality, NO, it doesn’t. Everyone likes praises. Even with the realization, circumstances and my culture holds me back. A genuine praise is always being seen as an act with a motive. And the return gesture discourages the giver. There was once, when I started to say thank you, she got a shock and tease me, "Wow, I am going to strike lottery", I unwittingly crawls back to my shell.
Last but not the least, I will like to take this opportunity to thank all my friends. To the departed one, thank you for giving me a chance to make myself a better person and to the rest, thanks for being a friend. Face to face, I am better off died than getting this word out of my mouth but in my heart, I have never regret having you all as a friend. There is hurt, but the happiness you have brought me far outweighs the hurt.
To all my family and friends, I love you.
An accident claimed her life. She doesn’t have a chance to say goodbye.
Time passed and she is cremated. But I am still in shock. Images of my friends and families dying flashed in my mind. I have become a budding ‘final destination’ producer. Maybe it is a way of protecting myself from being caught unaware again. Numbing my feeling works at first, but guilt and fear is soon wearing out my heart and mind.
Few months have passed, tears had dried. Tears had cleanses up my soul. My blurry eyes, blinded by the dust of materialistic world are once clear. God is rewarding her by bringing her to a better world. She had spread kindness and awareness to me and others. The biggest reflection that I got is never take anything for granted ever again. We may be young, we may afford to make mistake but certain things will never be the same again. Anything could be gone in the blink of eyes.
A bully as I am, I do felt deep sadness inside me. Maybe guilt is another cause of my sadness. Tried in all my life to gain attention, however without the X-factor, I had only two choices. One, be the bad guy. Two, be an unknown. Regretfully, I had chosen the former. It has become an addiction to bully someone as the withdrawal symptoms are too much for me. I can’t erase the surprise look of my friend and foe alike. To protect and enhance my reputation, there is no turning back. Any weakness is chained deep inside my heart. Those who tried to peep, will receive my medusa’s stare.
Now, the lock is rusted by my tears, and now, my inner world is exposed. I had gained another reputation of being sensitive. Well, I guess there is a third choice after all. As dust settles, I do not want my emotion to be filled up only by guilt. However, little mischief hasn’t stopped, not yet anyway. I guess old habits die hard.
I wasn’t someone who is generous with praise. Wasn’t thought that counts? In reality, NO, it doesn’t. Everyone likes praises. Even with the realization, circumstances and my culture holds me back. A genuine praise is always being seen as an act with a motive. And the return gesture discourages the giver. There was once, when I started to say thank you, she got a shock and tease me, "Wow, I am going to strike lottery", I unwittingly crawls back to my shell.
Last but not the least, I will like to take this opportunity to thank all my friends. To the departed one, thank you for giving me a chance to make myself a better person and to the rest, thanks for being a friend. Face to face, I am better off died than getting this word out of my mouth but in my heart, I have never regret having you all as a friend. There is hurt, but the happiness you have brought me far outweighs the hurt.
To all my family and friends, I love you.
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