I am such a JERK….

All of my life, I tried to be the one with the last sentences. I manage to do just that, or so I thought. What for? To show that I am witty and smart? I am the biggest fool. They just treat me as a kid.

Friends are those who accept who you are, but that doesn’t give you the right to be a jerk. I am sick and tired trying to act smart.

“Thank you. You are welcome. I am sorry. I appreciate your effort.” Simple English phrase and yet I never muster enough courage to use it often. I am such an egomaniac. Those phrases do not show that you are weak or make you a hypocrite; it shows that you are humble and sincere. I never show appreciation, I thought it is understood. Ironically, I yearn for appreciation.

I want others to correct me, so I could be much more bearable. Yet I defended myself when people tried to. What is the point, they thought? They give up and I remain a jerk, still wondering what is wrong. The ever-wonderful self-deduction came crushing down when I realize someone blocked me. Serve me right. I wish to say I am sorry, but opportunities, same as time never wait for anyone, only came knocking once.

When other needs consolation, I am speechless. And yet, I waste no time in criticizing, I never ran up of idea. I only stand out of the loop looking but never offer any help. I guess I failed to understand action speaks louder than words. I blame it on my upbringing. Nurture or nature? Instead of blaming myself, I am blaming others, again. I never truly understand what my father means by, “If you are still hugging the past, you will never grow up. Your age is just a number.”

It seems silly when you are grinning and admit that you are wrong, but that shows your magnitude. I am wrong, so what? To err is human. Should I be ashamed? Gosh, no… I should be proud. To cover up a lie, I need more lies. For a lazy bone like me, I should stick to honesty.

When we stop smiling, we may look cool and seem smart. Doesn’t that make you aloof and leave you with no friends? Pathetic fellow. Respect shall be earned but will never be bought. If you do the right thing when others aren’t looking, that is integrity. Finally, I had learned how to grow up. Thanks Cheryl.